musings on the japanese life of kate.

Why does it feel, sometimes, that my life only gets to be about one thing? A job, a hobby, a significant other? Why is it so hard to find balance, harmony, or at least some freaking peace inside my head? I am constantly questioning whether or not I am happy, whole, content, "healthy," "normal," etc. Even when I do genuinely feel these things, I am constantly, as I like to say, "living in my head," analyzing all the 'what ifs' and 'buts' and the 'maybes.' I'm so tired of this, but yet I can't for the life of me figure out how to change it. I have moments of clarity in which I realize exactly what I NEED to do, or what I SHOULD do, but in the end I come back to the complete overanalyzing Kate I fear I may always be. Does this blog entry now seem like only an extension of that neurosis?

I have just been struggling to find purpose in my life here in Japan. At first, it was great, exciting, traveling on the 3 day weekends and seeing everything around me change, and sometimes me change with it. Then I slowly started resenting my job, but also at the same time realized my life in Japan, as normalized as it was becoming, was something I wanted to keep doing. And THEN I met someone who, above ALL else, makes me laugh. And he made me smile, and forget all the bad. And THEN I had to decide whether to continue my job for another year--of COURSE I wanted to stay in Japan, give myself some time to figure out my life (HA), figure out my relationship, and make some money doing it. But in my heart I knew, no matter how good the money (it's good but it ain't THAT good), or the fact that it would keep me in the country another year, I couldn't recontract, knowing that no matter how good the good was, I would not.be.happy. So I didn't recontract. But I am trying my hardest to find a job that keeps me here for at least the foreseeable future. But of course trying to find a job with a start date 7 months down the line is about as easy as it sounds (+foreigner card +language barrier +economy). So yeah, thats where my life is at the moment. A HUGE pile of what ifs, maybes, and buts. They have a lot of fun, rolling around in my head all day laughing, cajoling, and teaming up to bring me a huge headache by the end of the day. And, yes, sometimes a one-way ticket home at the end of August sounds like such an easy answer, and sometimes it brings me great relief...but a (much) larger part of me knows (hopes!) that this summer will not be the end of my journey here in Japan. :)