Why does it feel, sometimes, that my life only gets to be about one thing? A job, a hobby, a significant other? Why is it so hard to find balance, harmony, or at least some freaking peace inside my head? I am constantly questioning whether or not I am happy, whole, content, "healthy," "normal," etc. Even when I do genuinely feel these things, I am constantly, as I like to say, "living in my head," analyzing all the 'what ifs' and 'buts' and the 'maybes.' I'm so tired of this, but yet I can't for the life of me figure out how to change it. I have moments of clarity in which I realize exactly what I NEED to do, or what I SHOULD do, but in the end I come back to the complete overanalyzing Kate I fear I may always be. Does this blog entry now seem like only an extension of that neurosis?
I have just been struggling to find purpose in my life here in Japan. At first, it was great, exciting, traveling on the 3 day weekends and seeing everything around me change, and sometimes me change with it. Then I slowly started resenting my job, but also at the same time realized my life in Japan, as normalized as it was becoming, was something I wanted to keep doing. And THEN I met someone who, above ALL else, makes me laugh. And he made me smile, and forget all the bad. And THEN I had to decide whether to continue my job for another year--of COURSE I wanted to stay in Japan, give myself some time to figure out my life (HA), figure out my relationship, and make some money doing it. But in my heart I knew, no matter how good the money (it's good but it ain't THAT good), or the fact that it would keep me in the country another year, I couldn't recontract, knowing that no matter how good the good was, I would not.be.happy. So I didn't recontract. But I am trying my hardest to find a job that keeps me here for at least the foreseeable future. But of course trying to find a job with a start date 7 months down the line is about as easy as it sounds (+foreigner card +language barrier +economy). So yeah, thats where my life is at the moment. A HUGE pile of what ifs, maybes, and buts. They have a lot of fun, rolling around in my head all day laughing, cajoling, and teaming up to bring me a huge headache by the end of the day. And, yes, sometimes a one-way ticket home at the end of August sounds like such an easy answer, and sometimes it brings me great relief...but a (much) larger part of me knows (hopes!) that this summer will not be the end of my journey here in Japan. :)
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Hey! hope you don't mind me chiming in!
ReplyDeleteFor balancing your daily life, why not graph it out? Using a dayplanner helps. Write out last week, review what you spend too much time on and add in things for next week you feel you're not getting enough of.
For larger goals, have you tried thought mapping? like, drawing a crude picture/word based map of where you are, where you wanna be (opposite) and the path of stuff you want to do that will (hopefully) lead you there! It can be for a month or 10 years. whatever. Just some ideas.
I'd say it's good you analyze your life to make sure you're happy. So many people are living for the people around them and don't realize their needs matter too, so right on to you!